I’m not going to tell you anything you don’t already know. Whether it’s bubbling just under the surface, and reading my words speaks clearly to your soul, or it’s so deep down and foreign that you can’t possibly connect in the moment, you already know. This is the story of how I found my inner guide, and how I’m continuing on my journey as a healer, student, and eventually, teacher.
I had been in survival mode for so long, I thought it was normal. The stress, tense muscles, clenched jaw all seemed like being human, being an adult in the modern world. I tried to manage – I was successful in school, first earning a bachelors and then a masters degree. I studied, worked hard, and got my first job in New York City. In between graduating and moving, my maternal grandmother, who had helped raise me from the time I was a small child passed away. I had helped care for her in the end, before she went into hospice, and the stress, trauma, and grief that I had experienced as a kid multiplied massively.
Take that sadness and grief, the desire to be loved while not actually loving myself, and throw in wild roommates in NYC, and needless to say, I started to make some really, REALLY bad choices. Staying out all night, drinking, drugs, hookups… it wasn’t pretty. I struggled for over a year, until I started finding blogs and articles on the internet that told me that it didn’t have to be this way. First it was Kate Northrup’s “It’s not going to turn out the way you thought.” Then, I found Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein. The more aware I became, the more I opened up, the more came to me. I slowly began to realize that I needed to change. I started hanging out with my social group less, and practicing more yoga. I had falling outs with people, including those I was closest to.
It was a lonely time – I was losing “friends,” I had to move out of the apartment I had lived in for the first year and a half since moving to the city, and I was TOTALLY unlucky in love. All the while though, I was experiencing success at work, getting more responsibility, and having leadership tell me how awesome I was. I couldn’t believe the feedback. I always thought that if they knew how much of a mess I was, I’d be out of the job in a second.
Even while I was finding my spiritual path, I felt like I wasn’t worth anything. With meditation, yoga, books, music… I started to slowly fix my thinking. I realized that it wasn’t life that was out of control. It was my thoughts that were causing me to make bad choices, to bring in drama and stress. When I started cleaning up my thoughts and thinking more holistically, my whole life changed. The drama that was so prevalent before faded away. I reconnected with old friends and also met new friends with similar beliefs and practices. I met my boyfriend, and slowly but surely learned that he loves me for who I am. I started loving myself and sure enough romance and abundance amplified.
Since then, even when I’ve drifted away from my inner guide (whose voice got stronger once I cleaned up my thoughts), I always come back to her. Through being gentle, self-forgiveness, and honesty I’ve set off on a path to fulfill my purpose, and contribute light, love, and grace to the world. Am I perfect? Abso-freaking-lutely not. I mess up, I’m jealous, I’m impatient… but I keep trying.
So, like I said at the beginning, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. I bet you anything that you know that when you’re easier on yourself, life doesn’t seem as hard. There’s no way we can know anything for absolutely sure, but I think we can be pretty sure that when something feels right, it just feels right. You can’t always explain it, but you know. That’s where I am now – I don’t know anything for sure, but I know that sharing my journey on a path to fulfill a purpose feels right. I welcome you to join me, and to find what feels right for you.
Peace and love, dear ones!